Do I deserve to be what I want?
Do I deserve to do what I want?


sometimes, it feels like our "selfishness" is what makes us, as it's this desire to be what we are, that makes us, well, it's in the word itself: "self".
usually i encourage this for others. in this world where what we are is surpressed more and more, ideally we should be able to be what we feel are right for us

but do i deserve this?
to do what i want?

i have this tendancy to be unable to say no
to go along with how things are going, in hopes that it,
1. pleases the persons involved
and 2. ends without trouble

and i think it's because of my tendancy to be averse to confrontation
it's so, so gut-wrenchingly difficult to be face-to-face and interrupt something,
even if it's something as simple as,
asking question in middle of a class.
asking for a spare battery from someone.
or even, merely trying to wrap up a conversation.

in the immediate moment, it's so much easier, to go along with the flow.
no matter how uncomfortable it feels to face something, or to sit through something,
at the very least, i am not interrupting. i am not doing anything wrong.
and i find comfort in that eventually, it'll end.

but sometimes, or eventually, it gets unbearable.
there's only so much of something you can attend, until you realize you're dreading the next time it happens
you're just hoping something doesn't happen
especially when the next time is scheduled for me
and maybe your body itself starts reacting in a certain way.

no matter how insignificant it may be in the moment,
or how much it was done in good intention,
and maybe even how much you know you don't want to do it,
you do anyway, you attend an another time, because it was already scheduled, or it was asked of me,
and i just wanna go with the flow instead of saying no

turns out, do that enough times, and people start expecting that of you
maybe you've already expressed how tiring or uncomfortable this is, but you kept doing it, and now they think this is something you want to do, or at least can do
and maybe, maybe
maybe it's too late to go back now

one day i said no, or maybe it was gradual
i can't be handling this, this isn't fun, i'm uncomfortable, i don't wanna do this
and then they were
devastated
they thought they were helping me, they thought it was all fun and good memories, that it was good for me too
and now apparently it is not, and it has sullied these memories they had
and feeling betrayed and backstabbed

and started seeing me in negative light

but they remained?
despite it all they wanted to stay around
maybe apparently they dismissed how they feel as probably wrong and disparaged themselves
but it doesn't change that they saw me badly and hated seeing me, told me as such

and knowing they don't like me much, or saw me so negatively,
i couldn't ever talk to them the same way i did before

something like that happened a few times over, same person
and now it has boiled over and become steam
and yknow, it's hard to see steam but it can hurt ya badly at times


that day, i said no, because i started feeling like honesty is of good
being honest and truthful could work out
but it's starting to feel more and more like that's not so such the case

time and time again, i started trying to say when something was uncomfortable for me or was something i didnt want to do
but so often, it felt like it impacted me in worse ways than not
and now, knowing i have all these things that makes me uncomfortable, even if it doesnt involve any of that, i assume that they fear what might trip me up
and people feel like they're walking on eggshells as they talk with me, especially with how they know i have been a bit unstable in the past

today i feel like i've been failing people left and right
no matter how small in scale
and like do i even deserve to cry out about any of this

the story isn't full, it's just a long and convoluted story and i don't fully recall all of them, maybe some of them i remember biasedly or maybe i wrote things down leaning too much to one side or


do i deserve to be what i want
do i deserve to do what i want
wow this music makes me sleepy

well, what do i mean by that?

selfishness, the balance of selfishness
so like
should i say nothing, and let myself fully go with the flow
despite the pain or discomfort should i keep going because saying them has their downsides
because everything i say is being judged on in one way or another
and because all things considered i am in a pretty ok spot in living situation

im kind of out of writing energy
uhh...
honestly, im not even sure if ive written enough, if ive written sufficiently,
but i just wanted this feeling to be out there somewhere

i dont even have an answer
i mean i guess that much was clear probably
i'm still in the middle of it right now as im writing this
and looks like i won't be out of it anytime soon
whatever




here i am, standing here, being watched every move. i can see that writing anything in certain places will be taken as signs for one thing or another.
here i am specifically here, cause i know this is one of the few places not much people see.
here i am because i don't feel safe in my own space.

where it is being awaited of my next move, one way or another

but what move, what step, is it expected of me? does it matter that there are any expectations, and rather do what i can at all?

it's not that i've not been thinking, i've been thinking a lot, and it's seeming more and more pressing by the moment to have to think about this

the ultimate conclusion i think i can come to is that it really is too late, and there arent really any "right" answers from here.
so it's now a matter of
weighing the options
and see what choices will be the least destructive

one time, i looked at the homestuck extended zodiac personality test thing and i saw that one of the questions are, let me look it up and copy,

"What idea is more interesting to you? The ability to fully understand your potential as a person? Or the ability to fully understand all potential consequences of your actions before taking them?"

it always stuck with me. it's been one of my core desires. i didn't want to make any mistakes, to avoid trouble. i truly wanted to know what consequences my choices may pose.
of course, i can't know. that's magic superpower stuff. but i wish i could. i really wish i could.
i have more to say on this but it leans off of whatever i was writing so i digress

i still haven't really figured out what option, what choice, is going to be the "least bad" for everyone involved

im not sure if there is a choice given to me

im not sure if i want to choose

or is that my excuse for not wanting to think about it







sorry for taking your time