hey, this TEXT might be extra incoherent than usual. just a note.





-music?-


it's always difficult, yes,
to know that i'm wrong

that i've done wrong, and hurt others

and/or
that i didn't know that i did

in the rush of the moment, yknow, you dont really know
and sometimes the insight is obscured,
because either - well, it more or lesscomes down to the fact that,

we are all different, aren't we

we usually can only try to understand the other, by assuming things, based on given information

what was i writing again?



right, so

i understand that i've done wrongs and bads
i am at fault for many things
i am a bad person

but,
i had someone tell me,
why am i so, confidently saying that
as if im fine with that,

i now answer,
is there anything else i can do?

past actions are past actions, now set in stone

what matters next is what i do after



or something.

im not ok with that fact.

not cause im upset that people called me out,
not cause im upset that people identified me as bad,

but cause i know it is my fault, and ive done wrong

and it eats at me, every time, i think of it
all the hurt that ive caused, and all the hurt that i MAY have caused, and all the hurt that might not even have happened but i assume it has,
and it's this spiral that keeps going and going

but i gotta keep going, i gotta keep moving on.



next question for myself is:

do i TRULY feel bad because ive hurt others, or do i feel bad because of the state that i have done wrong
of KNOWING that i have done wrong
and its like a matter of
"how could i have done wrong? that goes against all my morals"
or, i dont know how to describe it
how do i say this
do i feel bad because being at fault of something is not in my virtues?
or something.

that, uh, is still work-in-progress for me i think

i dont think i can confidently deny that about me
which is, something i am ashamed of
do i truly value myself that much even in the face of all the people ive hurt or even in the face of darkest of nights?
over atonement, change,


someone told me once, yknow

"embracing your flaws as permanent unmoving momuments rather than problems that can be adapted around and supported for"

i think that earlier thing about "well i gotta move on yknow" kinda can be
described as that i guess


theyre right


inaction

over responsibility,
or whatever,
huh



it really is true, yknow

both

i am ashamed to admit it

its so hard to right myself,

whether it feels that i don't know how, or that i don't want to


is it that i can't or i don't want to?


and it is true that this is the critical flaw that hinders progress


what

can i do though

that i cannot do that, one reason or another



i can't excuse myself yknow








i shouldn't
















so i move on, not because its right for me to, but cause i'd be frozen forever otherwise
is that right? no


but