you got time for a lil?
let me ramble on for a min.

i've always had this odd relationship with the concept of time. ...or maybe with time itself. i don't know what specifically i have this feeling with.
it's really hard to explain. so let me try to figure that out myself as i dissect it and ramble on and on as i do.

i've been stuck in a really rough place a while. school sucked and family sucked.
when i'm in school, it's horribly dull and i felt isolated and the classes taught me nothing-at-all
and i wanted time to pass quick so that i'm done with the day quicker.
when i'm at home, family's given me continued torment for the littlest things i do
but, atleast once everyone was asleep i was safe, and i wanted this late night time to last longer, savoring every last drop of the moment.

it felt like a loop and a loop, stuck in something that doesn't seem to end
even if i was done with school... where's to say the nightmares would end at all?

the future was uncertain, what-to-come after school was done. but i had to see it through, sure i do have the ethic in my heart that i wanted to finish and see through what i started,
however there was, of course, pressure from the family. if i wasn't being "productive", of which "being productive" i guess apparently counted going to school and learning basically nothing, then i was otherwise useless and there was always this pressure of being kicked out my living spaces.
i was once there at the edge of it happening, arguments that honest to god wasnt of my fault. but it almost seemed to happen.
¡hyuponia es vagabunda! va fan!
but it pushed me to know that yes. something had to... change... save me from all this



it was so hard to believe anything will ever get better. well, probably not gon get better for the society at large that's like going down constantly all the time, but yknow
i wished and i wished, free from this "forever" 's, because if things are hopeless then wishes are all i have
i can wish all i want, but things happen regardless of it
ah well, yknow.

maybe blaming it all on Time and all these were my own way of coping with all that.
i mean, sure. it's because i need to go through more days that there are more days of hurt
i guess complaining is a way of coping too. i complained and i whined, i always talked about the "nothing will ever get better" stuff like its my motto
or is all that just because the potential betterings were immeasurably distant?

well, as times go by, things happened. it was always my distant future would-be-cool thing, but actual plans for changes were now underway to get me out of japan and into the hands of people that actually care about me
and well, i'm there now that's a story for another time or perhaps never, but from this point on, something odd happened
there was an end to the wait. there was an end to the suffering. well, atleast seemed to be
it was not guranteed at the moment but it... could happen
however... ... ... now knowing there is an end, somehow, made the wait feel much longer
made the wait feel much... painful
i longed for this proposed future... but when... is it...??
when is it???????

"time is like desert bus
there is an end but where the hell is it"
"for time is long and long is forever
the skies are grey i'll never be free"

but time does. time does moves forward



distant things always look vague or blurry
however, days and days go by. months then years
thankfully, time does tick. time is real.
sometimes it doesn't side with us; the footsteps and heartbeats that won't pause for our sake
but it carries things forward, always

as it ticks, things do feel impending
for the good or not, Time IS Change
and change... is always scary

but time heals everything, does it not?
whether hours or years
blink-of-an-eye or distant future
suffering doesn't have to be eternal


so well! i don't have to think like that anymore.
it's good to have my mind clear of all that for once
i haven't thought about all this in a good long while. i guess it's good that i haven't
but ive always wanted to write all this down, so im glad im writing all this down before i forget about all this, as i always tend to end up doing

looking back, i guess all the other pain made time seem like its own pain
in the face of hurt, in the panic, everything feels so much more bothering
so perhaps its now that i'm out of all that, that i can look back like this



hopefully.

i hope you can find peace with time, too.
and be free of what makes time, hurt.